Education damaged my self-belief

For so many years in a row, July felt like a surreal month.

After months of frantic studying, and then weeks of daunting exams, all of a sudden it was just as Alice Cooper had foretold: School was out for Summer.

Some of my peers would be on holiday and I might not see them for weeks, and for a handful of others I might never see them again; Because of the media I consumed, I even harboured feelings of regret from missing out on attending a traditional ‘leavers-ball / prom’ experience.

Fast forward nearly half-a-dozen years, and I write this article at 23 years old.
I have suffered with mental health issues since I was about 14 years old, which is (at the time of writing this content) roughly a third of my life - That may not sound like much, especially for older readers, but just imagine you ordered a pizza only to find that 33% of it was mouldy and unenjoyable.

Reading blogs from other people who describe similarly negative experiences within school, prompted me to write this post so I could express my feelings, and to explain why I can't look back upon my education as enthusiastically as I would want to ("School damaged my mental health"  -  Joe via Mind)

I have suffered with mental health issues for roughly a third of my life

 
 

My 'Enviable' Social Life

My mental health became truly unmanageable during Sixth Form.

With the passing of my grandfather, I felt like I had to bottle-up and repress my emotions because of the societal expectations that “Men don’t cry”   -   Aside from this toxic masculinity holding me back from properly grieving, I also lacked a sense of belonging or identity amongst the various cliques.

Despite being well-known, and with some people even thinking that I "exuded confidence" (their words, not mine) I felt like a fraud: My whole persona was a just façade, and no matter how convincing it may have seemed, I unfortunately never learned to “fake it ‘til you make it”.

I would spend time socialising with various groups during free periods and breaks, yet I would very rarely be invited on nights out with them or to any parties.

Anxiety really took a hold over me, and I couldn't escape wondering why this was the case.

As my internalised paranoia grew, I began to believe with every fibre of my being that people genuinely did not want to be seen or associated with me.

My parents may not have appreciated me organising so many chaotic house-parties while they were on holiday (this may be a gross understatement), but I don't actually regret hosting them:

In those fleeting moments, I felt the acceptance and appreciation that I had yearned for, even if deep-down I knew that this would eventually end.

  

Compounding Factors

What may be one of my greatest downfalls is that I always put other people above myself.

From 2014 to 2016, I spent much of my free time taking part in countless extracurricular activities: Taking part in Young Enterprise and Charity Committee, attending Air Cadets, volunteering as a teaching assistant, and having a part-time job in retail… Everything except making time for myself.

This prioritisation extended to my relationship where I constantly put my partner first, although in hindsight I recognise that I was telling myself that my feelings always come last.

Granted, all of the extra work could have been part of a subconscious and misguided effort to simply distract myself from the depression, and maybe the selflessness was just a coping mechanism to make me feel worthy of self-love. Whatever the justification, as the exams came closer, I felt an impending sense of dream and wished that I had shown the courage to confront my issues. Having thrown myself into too much, I was fighting a losing battle and realised all too late: It simply was not sustainable for me to juggle so many responsibilities.

 

 

Symptoms

"Lethargic (adjective): Affected by lethargy; tired, sluggish and apathetic"

This was a new word that I learned first-hand in 2015.

Emotionally and physically drained, things only got worse for me as I began comfort-eating as a desperate measure to feel better - The more I ate, the more weight that I put on, and in-turn the more hurtful comments that I received about my appearance.

In the end, I surrendered to the old adage “If you can’t beat them, join them”.

My humour warped into pure self-deprecation, my logic being that I would rather laugh with other people at my expense than be left out... Typing that out now, I realise how disturbingly self-destructive it was.

As the months went by, everything got steadily worse.

I found homework assignments overwhelming and it felt like I should just give up instead of continuing to fight a seemingly losing lost battle - If the question was whether to try practicing self-care, or whether to get an assignment in on-time, my answer was neither.

My comprehension for many subjects was ruined and because my classes couldn’t afford to slow down or wait for me, they moved on while I was left behind struggling - It wasn’t that I didn’t want to learn, but I didn’t know how to ask for help, and I was too scared to put my hand up and admit that.

I couldn’t work out what content I had missed.

I couldn’t describe which topics I was unconfident in. 

So how could I find the words to explain how lost I felt?

 

For all of my teachers, the rapid decline in my expected grades over only a few months was shocking:

Many of those teachers didn’t realise that my shortcomings were symptomatic of what I was contending with, they couldn't see past the ‘class clown’ front that I was putting up as a deflection from my insecurities.

The school was required to set me homework to complete and content to revise, but I was already struggling to focus and engage, so this backlog just grew into an unassailable mass.

Disciplinary treatment directed towards me was not only ineffective, it was actively worsening my resolve.

I don’t necessarily blame the staff for not knowing how to properly support me, as ignorance about mental health was endemic in society at the time, but I do wish events had transpired differently.

  

Treatment

I know that I wasn’t the first student in a dire situation, yet the school counsellor at the time did little to help me believe that things could improve: She forgot my name, she double-booked a therapy session, and then told me that she “had to prioritise other people”.

I do realise that she wasn’t saying that I was unimportant, just that someone else may have been more at-risk, but try explaining that to an emotionally distressed 14 year old.

My trust in adults was damaged, and I became unwilling to open up about my issues for years, to the point where I was reluctant to seek help during my apprenticeship at an entirely different college.

My school didn’t know how to support me when I was suffering with serious mental health problems

It cannot be understated just how much of a staggeringly critical experience that schools are, in shaping who young people may later become.

Education is the metaphorical dock from which we loose ourselves into the daunting sea of life, so we absolutely need to ensure that students are not let down during this developmental stage.

I couldn’t escape thoughts of my experiences at school throughout the following chapters of my life. - Almost a decade later, I believe that many of my present anxieties stemmed from my time in school.

Don’t we owe it to future generations that they don’t face the same hardships?

  

Trapped in a Cycle?

After receiving highly disappointing grades at the end of Y12, I was pressured into re-taking the year.

Instead of changing my subject choices to BTECs that I could have worked to my skillsets far better, it was decided that I would go another round against the very same subjects that I struggled with.

Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over again, expecting [results] to change

For the longest time, I felt like education wasn’t right for me, so unlike the majority of people my age being funnelled into University, I went against the grain and applied for apprenticeships.

As a new chapter of my life began, I ended up getting a job as a Craft Apprentice at the Airbus Group factory in North Wales; Despite many hurdles, including a traumatic break-up from my partner and a regrettable period of alcohol-abuse, I pulled through and I scored a DDM grade in my college course.

Not only was this a highly gratifying experience, but it proved to myself that no matter what anyone else thinks, I could achieve great things if I had the right support network and believed in myself.

Therein lies the issue:  What I struggled with was a lack of support, not my lack of ability.

If I had known about the alternate pathways to Sixth Form, and if any careers advisors or senior staff had nurtured my enthusiasm for vocational experience, then I may never had faced so many setbacks.

How can a school pride itself on the success of its students, without also promoting what makes us all unique, and then fostering those strengths by promoting the best route for each of us?

At the end of my time in education, I believe two things more strongly than ever:

1) An inquiry into mental health in schools is necessary, because young people should not be let down during some of the most important years of development in their lives

2) School staff should not promote their sixth form at the expense of a student's opportunities, regardless of funding - Schools are supposed to be beneficial for the future prospects of students, not detrimental, even if that means discussing that they take an apprenticeship instead.